Wednesday, 13 January 2021

Confession : I don't think I've ever fit in.



I have a confession, I don't think there's ever been a time when I totally fit in, ANYWHERE. 

As I type this I'm laid in bed wondering what I want to achieve in writing this blog for 2021 and honestly I have so, so many things I want to share but I worry because they aren't all cohesive. They don't all match up to a nice little niche and I got to thinking about how for my entire life I've been hiding one or another parts of me from likes and dislikes to things I enjoy or even things I'm good at simply because they don't fit in with a crowd or because I fear what it would do. 

That fear even reaches into writing, you see I've written things for as long as I can remember. As a child I wrote short stories, as a pre-teen I wrote terrible, terrible poetry and as a teen I wrote poetry about a harrowing time of bullying, of not fitting in and of heartbreak as only an emotional, hormone filled teenager could. 
I dreamed of having my poetry turned into a book and actually they should all still exist in their little orange notebooks made for schools, entirely covered in emo and gothic doodles I scribbled down in classes I should have been listening in. I don't think I'll ever get them back now but I still hope I will and I'll occasionally feel the want to write a harrowing poem again but wonder if theres really any point? 

I dabble in the arts (that's what they call them isn't it? Being creative is an art of itself? Ah who knows!) From writing through to sewing, painting, crotchet and another endless list of great loves. It's funny now to say that after hating all the arts in school. I wasn't that creative and with a teacher who always told us we did art 'wrong' it was easy to forget just how fun it was to do. I find my interest piqued at every kind of art there is, but I'm never all that good. It doesn't seem to stop me though it really probably should, my latest artistic whim to try is paper cutting. Oh and I'd love to get back to scrapbooking as well as trying resin art. It's just so hard to choose! 

My erratic taste and interests seem to carry on throughout my life with a particular emphasis on the teenage years when I had an emo stint that still lives inside me. It involved wearing black, purple, red and 7 million chains. All dangling from shoes, skirts, dresses, jewellery and more. When I secretly danced to trance and rave behind closed doors. Not exactly what you expected from that was it? You see I never could decide if I loved Katy Perry when she kissed that girl and liked it or if I preferred The Black Parade. So I kept it secret from anyone who could judge or make me feel insecure. 
After a lifetime of bullying, the fear is always there. I'm trying to overcome it, to squash down that voice that tells me in not normal. Although I wasn't ever all that normal, to be fair.  

Life has changed in recent years, I started on a journey to find some real confidence and start to love myself for who I am now and not what I'd want to be. So why am I still hiding all the secrets because they don't just go inside the box? Surely this is normal to someone other than myself? So maybe it's time for me to change what I see as the box, maybe 2021 is the year I just try everything I want and share it all along the way. It might not work out and hey, I might drown in a sea of projects I never quite finish up (another secret hobby of mine! ) but I want to try and be more open, to share more about myself. So maybe just maybe 2021 will be my year to find my own confidence and finally share the real me. 

Am I crazy? 
I guess we will see! 

0 comments:

Post a Comment

Why not leave a comment?


Search This Blog

Find us on Social Media

Blog Archive

Pageviews

Featured post

What's in our Spring / Summer grab & go bag { Includes Giveaway }

  Since I had my first child life has been based around getting everything we needed ready to leave our house in enough time to get anywhere...