Thursday, 22 October 2020

You never let me say goodbye. {An open letter after the death of a family member}

A book with blurred writing sits tilted to the left and open on a table. To the top right is a glass candle lit with a deep orange flame. The camera is focused on a small bunch of baby's breath that is closer to the camera




























You knew, you've known for a while. It's cancer, your dying and you never thought I deserved to know, to hear it from you. You have 6 months left, or that is their guess but you don't want to see me and that hurts in my chest.

What you don't realise is that you mean so much to me, your like a father to me. It's been a while but I think about you often and wonder if you still smile. Do you remember my children? You've only met one and they won't know the man that you are. They won't see who you once where. They won't remember you holding their hand or you running around to catch them and make them laugh like you did with us. They won't see you smile or laugh or even frown. They won't know that you cared or loved them. They won't know who you where.

You taught me how to tie my shoes and you helped me up when I couldn't be me. You built me up when others tore me down and you loved me without need for love in return. You protected me when you needed to, you steered me right and you felt like a friend, there to listen and offer your advice, never to judge or look down upon my choices. You cared and you listened, you helped and just been there. How can I just forget that your there. Just a few miles away and I can't just come, just give you a hug and tell you just how much you are loved.

I watched you get married and smile and love. I watched you live and now I don't get to say goodbye. It's not something your giving to me and I understand it's your wish but I wish it wasn't true. My heart hurts when I think about you not being here. You'll never be there to give me away. You'll never watch as my children grow and learn. You won't know who I become or where I'll end up and I miss you for that.

You won't be here for Christmas nor will you see another birthday. It's oh so close now but just so far away. You have weeks now, not months and I can't breathe when I think about a world where you don't exist.

A book sits open on a table, inside a poem is written called I never got to say goodbye, a rose gold pen with an elephant on top sits on the opposite blank page. to the right above the book is a cream coloured lit candle in a glass holder. To the left is a bouquet of red chrysanthemum and baby's breath that sit closer to the camera.




























I never got to say goodbye,
No holding close while we both cry. 
I never got to say goodbye,
No last I love you or final words.
I just never got to say goodbye. 

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  2. It’s so heartbreaking when there is so much more you want to experience with them in life

    ReplyDelete
  3. My partner is a cancer survivor, 4 years on and my son is still worried about saying goodbye to his dad. I can only pass on my love and thoughts for you going through this.

    ReplyDelete

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