Tuesday, 6 February 2018

Am I just a bad friend?

I've written before about  Finding my family at the cost of my friends. A lot has changed since I wrote that post, I think I as a person have changed but I know my friendships have. Mainly I have them! 

I have met people I consider to be friends. It hasn't been easy and it may only be two or three people who I mostly talk to online but they are lovely, thoughtful people and I can talk to them.

I feel like something is still missing from my friendships, I still feel alone. I don't think it is anyone's fault or that I should expect a friendship to happen and be something it isn't. I hold dear the friendships I have made, some days they keep me standing up even if they never know.

I do however find myself craving a friendship like I see so many people have around me. One where you can say anything and share how hard life can be. I feel like I am hiding and I have no way to let the world know. (How ironic as I literally write my feelings to the world!) The truth is I know everyone will always have a lot going on in life and my problems, issues, nights of empty tears are my own. Why should I impose on someones life when they have a million things going on in a day?

I wonder in those nights and days if maybe I am just not good at being a friend? I try my best to be there when they may need to talk or just to say hello. I try to think of them and wonder how to brighten their day when I can. I still find myself wondering if maybe I am just not good at being a friend? 

I don't have that type of friendship when you see something great that you want to share it with them. I find something funny and wonderful on social media and suddenly it hits me how alone I feel. It's just me.

I have so many questions, ones I ask myself in the dead of night when I lay alone during the night feeds or when I am hoping my children will go to sleep.

  • How can I make myself a better friend?

  • Is there something I am missing?

  • Do I not do enough, be enough or share enough?

  • Am I the only one who has no one there?

  • Where should I meet these friends?

  • What should I  say?

  • How should I act?

  • Am I doing it wrong?

  • Am I just not good enough?

  • Will I always feel this way?

Maybe as adults we should have already made the types of friendships and I am just too late for it to matter.



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