Thursday, 5 October 2017

Sometimes I am just not ok

Over the past year a lot has happened, a lot in our lives has changed. We went from a family of three to a family of four, D changed from nursery to school, Our house has been rearranged to fit us all and everything we need. There seems to be less hours in the day. Not only has our family life changed but I have personally changed. Going from pregnancy while still being mum to mum of two, the body changes, the hormone changes, everything that happens isn't easy!


There have been days when in all honesty I have felt like super mum. Both children are happy, they are entertained, played with, cuddled, stories are read, washing and cleaning are done, we've had outdoor time, baths are done, everyone ate dinner and got fed, everyone has slept well or napped. They are the super mum days. Those days are amazing!


They are however few and very far between. I am not super mum. Hell some days I don't even feel like I am good at being plain old mum! Those are the hard days. The times when one is throwing a tantrum, one is screaming and is hungry but doesn't want to feed, lunch was whatever I found in the cupboard that was easy and not entirely bad for us. Yohurts and cheese strings? Yep we've had those lunches. Fruits and vegetables aren't my priority when I feel like I could lose my shit at any second. I feel guilty about that. Even more so on the rare occasions that I do lose my shit! These days happen. Not every day but they come more than those super mum days.


They come and they stay. Oh yes the day ends and the next usually isn't bad but those days I remember. I agonize over what could be different why wasn't I good enough? Am I just no good at being a mum? Will my children grow to hate me? Will they not enjoy childhood? Am I not giving them enough? I know deep down these are silly questions. I know that I must do something right at some point since they are usually happy, a good bit of the time and our house gets clean regularly and everything happens as it should. Although it is those days that stick and come up when I am feeling off.


These are why I am sometimes found crying alone. Why people must ask if I am OK. The truth is that no! Sometimes I am just not OK! Do I really have to be? Must I always have my shit together and be ready for anything? Can I not just sit and cry when I need to? Or must I always be worried that this is a sign of something being really wrong?


I don't actually think I have something wrong, maybe during those moments when I am stressing myself out and worrying like crazy that I am just not good enough I might. I don't once it's over. Once I have cried and let it all out I don't.


I've put off writing this since I am not suffering postnatal depression and I generally do okay sometimes even great. I do need to say it though and I need to share that sometimes I am just NOT okay but that it is OKAY to feel that way!


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